I was manning the register at a busy Italian restaurant when a customer walked up with his check,totaling $14.92.
“That’s when Columbus discovered America,”he commented.
“You don’t really believe that,do you?”I responded.”I mean,the Native Americans were here long before he showed up.”We continued in this vein for several minutes.
Meanwhile,a line had begun to form.After my customer left,the next parton in line came up to my counter and impatiently asked me what was going on.
“Oh,we were talking about historical events,”I said.
“Well,then,”said the irritated customer,”can you tell me what happended the year I started waiting in line?”
I was having trouble with the idea of turning thirty and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age.
When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs,I pointed to my forehead.
“Have you seen this?”I indignantly asked my husband.
“What?”he asked.”The wrinkles?”
Make That Two
I was in a department-store dressing room when I overhead a women in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on.Finally,an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her.
“I need a dress for my class reunion,”the women answered.”I don’t care what color or style,as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger.”
From another dressing room I heard a women call out,”Make that two.”
Your First Father?
Sixteen years is a long time.That’s how far the photo of my husband—looking slim and fit in hie Marine Reserve uniform—goes back.Today,he’s about 100 pounds heavier,so it was understandable when my friend’s son asked wht it was.
“That’s my father,”my daughter told him.
Looking at my husband,then at the photo,he asked,”You first father?”
That Guy Is Me
About a year had passed since my amicable divorce,and I decided it was time to start dating again.Unsure how to begin,I thought I ‘d scan the personals column of my local newspaper.I came across three men who seemed like they’d be promising candidates.
A couple of days later,I was checking my answering machine and discovered a message from my ex-husband.
“I was over visiting the kids yesterday,”he said.”While I was there I happened to notice you had cricled some ads in the paper.Don’t bother calling the guy ih the secong column.Ican tell you right now it won’t work out.That guy is me.”
Iwant my granny.
For the first time,my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me,a dental hygienist,clean her teeth.She was accompanied by her grandmother.When they came in,I greeted them warmly,seated Kelsey and,as usual,put on my gloves,goggles and mask.About ten minutes into the procedure,she got scared and cried,”I want my mommy!”
I quickly pulled off my mask and said,”I am your mommy.”
Without hesitating,my daughter yelled back,”Then I want my granny!”
There were only two people in line ahead of me at the electronics store,yet the wait was dragging on forever.Finally the customer behind me muttered.
“Mr.Hare must be on vacation.”
Only then did I notice the name tag on the man at the register.It read:”Mr.Hare,sales associate.”
After practicing law for several months,I was talking with my brother,John,a doctor.”My work is so exciting,”I said.”People come into my office,tell me their problems and pay me for my advice.”
As older brthers will,John tool the upper hand.”You know,”he said,”in my work,people come into my office,tell me their problems,take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice.”